Anger

Anger is a particular trouble spot for most depressives. Depressives are often aware of a feeling of estrangement from the world, their noses pushed up against the glass watching real life behind the window, and a consequent bitterness, hurt, or resentment is always lurking in the background. At the same time, they may feel it is their own fault that they feel this way. After all, they could just jump into the midst of life if they choose.

Anger and self-blame feeds on itself in a vicious circle, so it is often nearly impossible to be sure that they are justified in feeling the depth of anger they experience in an particular situation. They constantly second-guess themselves and often end up doing nothing but driving others crazy. Some of the defenses they use against awareness of their anger, like passive aggression, just make others angry at them, while they sit in smug superiority looking down on those who can't "control" themselves.

In other circumstances, their guilt makes depressives self-sacrificing: they will absorb ill treatment from others as if it is their due, but eventually they will get pushed too far and explode in a tirade of anger that unloads all the steam they have built up. If they do this often, they get the reputation of a difficult person and they get avoided. If they do this rarely, they get the reputation of a crazy, unstable person who bursts out inappropriately.

It's important to remember that anger, like all other emotions, is neither good nor bad in itself; it's just an innate response people have. Anger can be used for many worthwhile purposes. It's the fuel that feeds our desire for justice, what makes us want to see wrongs put right. What is scary is that it feels as though it can run away with us.

The wife-beater frequently says words to this effect: "I couldn't help it. She made me see red, and then I didn't know what I was doing. I'm sorry I hurt her, but I lost control." But the truth is, he didn't really lose control. He didn't beat his wife until she died; he didn't strangle her or shoot her or stab her; he just beat her until he felt like he had won the dispute. There was some judgment there, some decision to stop before an invisible line was crossed. Anger usually doesn't take absolute control of us, but its expression can be so tempting, can make us feel so good that we indulge ourselves in carrying the fight forward until our opponent is humiliated. Saying that we were so angry we lost control is an excuse. We had control, but we still did something shameful.

Many depressed parents are deeply ashamed of their anger at their own children, and a great deal of child abuse results from parental depression. Children know when parents are depressed, and it scares them, because they don't know if their parent is going to be capable of caring for them. When children are scared, they often become more demanding and difficult. Mom feels even more depressed because her children won't listen to her. Mom alternates between withdrawal and rage. It's an explosive combination. The same dynamics apply in elder abuse. Caregivers in this position need real help. A combination of psychotherapy and medication for the depression with concrete, practical, in-home support and guidance in effective skills (in parenting or in care giving for the elderly) makes the difference.

Anger can't be escaped, but we can tame it, live with it, and make it safe, even use it for productive ends. Practicing assertive communication and behavior can help make sure that anger is constructively expressed and doesn't hurt people who are important to us. As we develop assertive skills, we find that we feel less distressed and isolated and thus have less to be angry about.

On the next page we will talk about the emotions of Joy and Pride.