Assertive Behavior

There are now dozens of books, CDs, and classes that a person can take to help them learn how to be more assertive. The reason this is such a popular movement right now is that it really has something valuable to teach. Many people, especially the depressed, suffer in silence when people are rude, threatening, or manipulative, and they usually end the encounter feeling diminished in self-esteem.

Or occasionally a person will lose their temper and descend to the level of the other person, which doesn't resolve the conflict and also leaves them feeling bad about themselves. Acting assertively, on the other hand, strengthens self-esteem. If we treat ourselves as if we are worthy of respect, others are more likely to treat us the same way, and we also get the message: "I'm as good as anyone else."

Being assertive means knowing what your rights are and giving yourself the same respect you'd give the other person. It does not mean being pushy, demanding, controlling, or selfish. In fact, part of assertiveness training is learning to listen carefully, to make sure that you understand clearly the other person's position and that you carefully consider his or her rights as well as your own. Being assertive does mean identifying what you want and asking for it in clear language that maintains respect for others.

There are several good resources for learning assertiveness. In his book, The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, Edmund Bourne offers the following simple outline for developing assertive responses:

1) Objectively evaluate your rights. What's wrong with this situation? Do you have a right to expect different treatment than what you're getting? We all have basic rights we tend to forget about, including the rights to change our minds, to say "I don't know," to be treated with dignity and respect, and to feel our feelings.

2) Choose a time when you want to deal with the situation. For a conflict with a loved one, a coworker, or someone we are in regular contact with, establish a mutually convenient time when you can discuss the problem. But some situations need to be dealt with on the spot, before greater damage is done.

3) State the problem in terms of how it affects you. Make it clear exactly how you are hurt or inconvenienced by the other person's behavior. This may be all you need to do. Sometimes people are unaware of their impact on you. Use calm, objective language that avoids criticism.

4) State your feelings, using congruent verbal and nonverbal language (this takes practice). This is also where "I statements" come in. "I can't get my work done when your stereo is loud (step 3). I get worried that I can't meet my deadline" (step 4). The other person is not responsible for the way you feel but has a right to know about it. If you don't state your feelings, you're assuming that the other person can read your mind.

5) Tell the other person what you want. Use simple, direct language. Keep it specific: "I want you to help with the dishes," not "I want you to show more consideration for me." Address the other person's behavior, not his personality or character, to avoid putting him on the defensive.

6) Describe the consequences. Clearly spell out what will happen if the other person does or doesn't cooperate. This should not be a threat, but a natural consequence. "If I can get my work done, we can go out later." When you're dealing with someone you know to be uncooperative, you may point out the natural consequences of his refusal: "If you don't let me get my work done, we won't have enough money to buy the things you want."

People with depression are rarely good at being assertive, and assertive people are rarely depressed. Assertiveness training alone probably will not cure depression, but learning assertiveness skills can certainly have powerful consequences for self-esteem. It can teach us how to express our feelings, remind us of our interpersonal rights, help get our needs met, and resolve confusion and conflict in relationships with others.

Most of all, we can't expect to have self-respect if we don't treat ourselves with respect. It's more of the depressive's magical thinking, wishing that self-respect could be given to us like an inheritance. On the contrary, self-respect, like every depression-fighting skill, has to be learned and earned.

On the next page we will examine the Thinking of Depressants.