Learning to Express

Feeling feelings is not the same as expressing them. Not feeling at all is an unconscious process. Depressives are not aware of denying or stuffing feelings. Not expressing them can be conscious. It's not healthy, kind, safe, or wise to express all our emotions. Ideally, we want to feel them and then make deliberate decisions about how to express them. Choosing not to express feelings won't make us depressed, but trying not to will make us depressed.

Expression of feeling serves important social functions. It communicates our meaning to others much better than words alone can say. When we wail and cry in grief, we elicit sympathy. When we get angry, our voice gets louder, and the object of our anger may be intimidated. When we yawn, others yawn; when we laugh, others laugh. Emotional expression helps us feel connected to others, a part of society, and a part of the group.

Expression also helps us feel our feelings. Ask anyone who has ever acted. When actors act sad, they feel sad; when they act happy, they feel happy. For the experienced actor, these artificial mood changes don't last, but in everyday life, "going through the motions" often helps us feel the emotions expressed by the action. This is how role playing and reenactment in group and family therapy works.

If you are depressed and have a spouse or trusted loved one, you are one step ahead in learning how to express yourself emotionally. You and your partner can make a deal and take turns engaging in the following exercise:

1) Sit comfortably in a quiet place where you will be uninterrupted for a half hour.

2) Speak freely about what's on your mind. Don't worry about making sense, just let yourself ramble. It can just be the events of the day, a problem that's absorbing you, a memory, or a fantasy. As you speak, pay attention to how your body feels. Are you feeling sad, downcast, angry, or happy? Try to find ways to put those feelings into words. Or are you feeling constrained, embarrassed, or self-conscious? Try to identify what's making you feel that way and move beyond it.

3) Your partner will listen sympathetically with full attention. The only comments your partner may make are those that will draw out feelings more. Your partner may not offer his or her own thoughts, ask for clarification, voice any criticism, or change the subject. Instead, he or she will say things like "That must have made you mad," or "you seem pleased, but I'm not sure I understand why." In other words, the partner's comments can address only the emotions in your communication.

If you don't have a partner, or even if you do but prefer more privacy for your feelings, you can keep a journal. A journal can be a very helpful tool for developing self-awareness, for expressing things we normally try to suppress, and for developing an objective perspective on one's family, history, and future. To be effective, you should follow these rules for journaling.

1) Write regularly, ideally at the same time every day.

2) Do not censor your thoughts or feelings. Write spontaneously, as thoughts and ideas occur to you.

3) At least once a week, read through your journal. Try to identify emotional patterns that you may not have been aware of as you were writing. When you thought you were so upset about bills, is it possible that you were really thinking more about something else such as a loss or another worry?

4) Your journal is yours alone. Do not show it to anyone else. You may certainly talk about what you learn from it, but keep your private thoughts private.

After a little practice, you may become aware that you are feeling more than you thought you did. This is exactly the desired effect. People with depression tend to be overly controlled in how they express emotions. As you think about how you are with emotions, is it possible you could begin to be more expressive now in other situations as well?

Emotions are the colors of life. Without emotions, life is just stale, tasteless, dull and gray. Gaining strength in the ability to experience and express emotions is the first step toward recovery from depression. The emotional self is a part of the self that has largely been lost to the depressive; reestablishing contact with it may take time, but it's worth the effort. We have this unfortunate idea that we should be master of our emotions, that they are part of our animal nature that must be controlled at all costs. Instead, we should seek to live in harmony with our animal nature, to get that side of us and our intellectual and spiritual selves to live together with affection and respect.

On the next page we will examine the Behavior of Depression.