Relationships Under Stress

Stress can affect our ability to function. Under stress, our judgment is impaired; we have more difficulty assimilating information and correctly sizing up a situation. We can feel depressed, anxious, scared, demoralized. We can get physically ill. Any area of low resistance in one's body will react in characteristic ways-back, intestines, respiration, circulatory system. People with depression, under stress, become more depressed. And stress is the trigger to almost all depressive episodes.

A good trusting relationship can be the best vaccine against stress. The couple has the advantage of their unique relationship, which gives them the chances to express their feelings fully in a manner rare, if possible at all, in other relationships. A crisis can, or course, bring up problems that have previously been dormant, or recognized but put aside. Peaceful times can permit a couple to become lazy like this. But when an outside problem erupts, these spouses will find their resources undermined by unresolved difficulties. A tendency to blame others instead of taking responsibility, for instance, may be tolerable when times are smooth, but it may destroy a relationship under stress.

A crisis can be used for positive ends. A couple can use the experience to learn how to work together, to build up credit in trust and reliance, to develop an appreciation of each other's strengths, to realize sincerely how much they need each other, to have the experience of providing support and helping. One thing that helps is just to acknowledge the existence of the stress and that one is in the midst of a stress response.

Stress brings chaos and disorganization. When spouses keep this in mind, they can accept that their strong feelings and dramatic reactions are normal responses. They don't have to be so afraid of losing control. They can say to themselves and each other, "Something terrible is happening to us, and we are having a normal reaction. Under the circumstances, it is the natural way to feel." It's also important to recognize that stress is relative, not objective. What upsets you-for instance, a child's leaving home-may be relatively easy for me; but for you to deal with my job problems might be much more demanding.

There are four phases people typically go through when faced with a serious problem:

Phase 1 is anticipation. When something important is not working out, you are usually aware of trouble coming. You are worried, you have emotional ups and downs where you may feel alternately overwhelmed and hopeless or that you are just being silly and making something out of nothing. You may decide there is no point in talking about it because nothing has happened yet. You probably have trouble sleeping, you may have bad dreams, your appetite may change, and you may have some of the physical symptoms you usually get under stress. Generally, you are confused; you hope the problem will just go away but you prepare yourself for the worst.

Phase 2 is when the problem becomes reality. It will affect both of you even if only one is directly involved. One or both of you will regress for a while, and the symptoms described above will become worse. Confusion, anxiety, strong feelings, and hopelessness will be harder to fight. Even a good relationship will suffer; but now is not the time to decide you have a bad relationship just because feelings are high and normal ways of coping have broken down.

Phase 3 is acceptance of the problem. You may feel more depressed but less anxious, less blaming, and less panicky. Some people get stuck here, feeling that there is nothing they can do but have an unhappy life.

Phase 4 is resolution. You start taking action. You need support and encouragement from each other, partly because you can still feel depressed, angry, or scared. You start to realize and accept that you may have to make important adjustments in your life, but you will be working on the problem instead of being obsessed by it.

The following are helpful guidelines for dealing with stress in a relationship:

1. When you feel threatened by an important problem, discuss your fears with each other. Take turns listening, exploring, and accepting. Be nonjudgmental. Try to sort out which fears are real and which are just anxiety running away with itself. What's the worst that can happen? If your worst fears come true, would you be completely helpless about coping with the situation? Try to figure out all the questions you need answers to and separate out those you can answer now from those which you just have to wait for time to answer.

2. When you are actually suffering from the emotional effects of a crisis, don't make it worse by assuming something is wrong with you. Be aware that feeling depressed or scared is a normal reaction to the situation. Share your feelings with your partner. Cry, complain, whine, and moan, whatever it takes, knowing that your partner is committed to you and understands that you are under stress.

3. In the process of pouring out your feelings, start to accept that there is a problem and that only you can do anything about it. Start thinking about ways in which you can get some relief, perhaps even some enjoyment. Even though it may sound crazy, you don't have to let your whole life be overwhelmed with the crisis. Schedule some time for enjoyable activities. Try to compartmentalize your life so that you have some time set aside for dealing with the problem, and other time for doing things that will make you feel good.

4. When you do take time for the problem, try to use it constructively. With your partner, explore solutions or adaptations. Maybe all you can do is make the best of a painful situation. If there are different solutions open, don't rush in just to relieve the anxiety. Purposefully delay action until you're sure you have anticipated all the consequences, but don't use this as an excuse to procrastinate.

5. Give yourself time to heal. We don't bounce back from stress without wounds. We may remain sensitive, hurt, and angry. Try not to take it out on people close to you, but don't deny the feelings. Continue to use your relationship for support.

We can't exist without other people. Depressives may be prone to wanting too much from others, and they may protect themselves from experiencing and expressing those needs by playing roles that aren't really who they are. But real relationships-built on trust, honesty, and caring-can give us the opportunity to heal, to build a new self.

Children grow out of their childish needs for ever-attentive parents by a process of optimal frustration. The parents disappoint the child by making mistakes, by not always paying attention, but ideally they do it in sync with the child's ability to tolerate disappointment and frustration. The child learns to soothe himself, learns that he can feel safe and loved for a while even without the parents' attention. The child is building self.

Honest, caring relationships give adults the opportunity to do the same thing. The depressed person can repair a damaged sense of self-esteem through developing intimacy with another person. The other person doesn't enhance self-esteem through artificial compliments or through reflected glory; rather the process of letting the other see oneself, warts and all, and finding that one is still loved and accepted, does the work of repair.

On the next page we will talk about Aids To Depression Recovery.